World War history


Mussolini (left) and Hitler sent their armies ...

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World War I

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria’s pint.Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria’s point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.Serbia points out that it can’t afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria’s trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it’s looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.Britain and France ask Germany whether it’s looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it’s on Britain’s side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back.There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany’s fault.While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

World War II

So later that night Germany is bitching about how America and Britain robbed it and blames it on the screwdriver it had been drinking. It decides to finish off its juice, and go take back a table he had been looking at since the beginning of the night. GB, France and America were pretty bloodied up and didn’t want to get into it again, so when Germany starts shoving people out of the way, they won’t start fighting with him. On the other side of the room, Japan is stealing people’s drinks.

Germany and Russia get to the good table, and proceed to kick Poland in the face and steal the tables from Poland’s group. France and Britain lose it. They try to surround Germany, but now Germany has 2 bar stools and is holding off France with one and clubbing Belgium with the other. Russia gathers all of Poland’s drinks and claims they belong to his group now.

Everyone kind of stands around for a bit, then Germany throws the chair at France, knocking him out cold. Germany then suckerpunches Britain in the gut, but Britain jumps behind the bar and starts throwing bottles. Germany throws bottles back, but neither can hit the other.

America is sitting in the corner, claiming that none of this is its problem. Japan then runs over, steals its drink, and slaps America in the face. America loses it’s mind and starts breaking chairs and fashioning spears out of the pieces.

Germany tries to jump over the bar to get at England, which now has control of the drink dispenser, and keeps spraying tonic water in Germany’s eyes when it comes close. Meanwhile, all of Britain’s friends get between Germany and the beer fridge.

Italy decides that if anyone is going to get past Britain to get more bottles, it will be him, so Italy jumps up on the bar, slips and lands on it’s head and is knocked unconcious. America and Britain take this opportunity to kick Italy in the ribs for the next 5 minutes.

Germany decides if it is ever going to get more bottles to throw at Britain, it will have to try another tactic. So it picks up a keg and smashes it over Russia’s head and makes a run for the fridge in the chaos. Germany almost gets there, but Russia grabs Germany’s ankle, trips it, and proceeds to headbutt Germany half to death losing most of its teeth in the process.

America is now chasing Japan across the room trying to get its drinks back. Every time it passes Germany, Germany get’s a swift kick to the nuts. Finally Japan gets tired and runs back to its corner, so America, Britain and France, who has just recently woken up, but is still wandering around in a daze, grab Germany from Russia and start slamming its head into the floor. Italy wakes up, decides it wants to help, but just stands there looking dumb while Britain, France and America beat Germany to a pulp.

Once Germany is unconcious, America finishes its chairleg spear, and with Russia, rushes Japan. Japan has thrown down tables around itself as a barrier and is waiting with a stool. America throws it’s barspear and it hits Japan in the eye. Japan holds its face and yells to stop.


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